


The Intergalactic Space Race Special

by Dracothelizard



Category: Stargate SG-1, Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-08-01
Updated: 2006-08-01
Packaged: 2017-10-12 10:10:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/123769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dracothelizard/pseuds/Dracothelizard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>SG-1 has a problem: Major Carter is held hostage by aliens, and they can only get her back if they win a race. General Hammond decides they need the best driver on the planet to win it. Unfortunately the best driver on the planet brings some guests.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Intergalactic Space Race Special

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Stargate SG1 belongs to MGM, Top Gear belongs to the BBC, everything in this story has been 100% made up.
> 
> There's also some very mild flirting between Hammond and O'Neill.

General Hammond never liked it when a team reported back earlier than expected. It never boded well. He watched as three members of SG-1 came through the Stargate, and wondered what had happened to Major Carter. "SG-1, report."

"There were some... issues, sir," Colonel O'Neill told him.

General Hammond looked at the others two members, hoping they could shed more light on the subject.

"They, er, caught us trying to look at their engines to see how they worked," Daniel explained.

"They did not believe O'Neill's excuse of having lost his chewing gum and wishing to retrieve it," Teal'c added.

"But what happened to Major Carter? Why isn't she here?" the General demanded.

"She sort of agreed to stay with the Notharian people, sir. See, they don't trust us to come back, so they demanded one of us to stay there. She volunteered," The Colonel explained, and Hammond could tell he wasn't very about that.

"I see. And why and when are you expected to come back exactly?" he asked.

"Within a week. They're having some sort of race to celebrate the 20th year of the current governor's rule. And they demand we win it to prove our worth, and only then can we get Sam back," Daniel said. "There are about twenty contestants in the race the Notharians want us to take part in."

"You're telling me that we have to win a *race* to get Major Carter back?" he asked. This was the most ridiculous report he had ever heard from SG-1, and he had heard a lot of reports. "What kind of race?"

"It's a kind of combined motor and car race. The Notharian people are more technologically advanced than us, and their machines are amazing. We need to at least take part in this race to show we're willing," Daniel suggested. "I think they're willing to negotiate about Sam so long as we show we're game."

"We'll need one heck of a driver to pull it off, sir. Me and Teal'c were taken for a spin in one of their cars, and it was *nothing* compared to anything on Earth," Colonel O'Neill said.

"It was like being on a rollercoaster," Teal'c said.

"A very smooth rollercoaster at that, sir." Colonel O'Neill added.

General Hammond nodded. "Seems to me like we could use their knowledge and technology. And I think I know just the person to help us win this race."

***

"Guys, look at this," Jeremy said, motioning for James and Richard to join him behind the computer. "Look at this e-mail."

"What does the United States Air Force want with us?" James asked.

"They don't want us, they want the Stig," Jeremy said. "Read it."

"They can't have the Stig! He's ours!" Richard said indignantly. "It'd be like us asking them if we could borrow one of their jet planes for our show."

"D'you think we can do that?" Jeremy asked.

"What for? What would we need a jet plane for?" James wondered. "We already sort of proved a car is faster than a plane, what else can we do?"

"I'm sure we can think of something we could do with a jet plane," Jeremy said.

"That's besides the point. Why does the US want our Stig?" Richard leaned over to read the e-mail properly. "Ah. It's for a military top-secret operation, and they're not allowed to talk to us about it. They're pretty much ordering us to send the Stig over, and no questions asked."

The three men looked at each other. "Shall I tell them to sod off or do you want to do it?" Jeremy asked the other two.

"Hang on, you can't just *tell* the US Air Force to sod off," James said. "It might be considered an act of war or something."

"Do you have a better idea then?"

"As a matter a fact, I do." James pushed Jeremy out of the way, and started typing a reply, working in suggestions from the other two as well.

***

Jack O'Neill could not believe this. One of his best officers was currently on another planet, possibly in danger, and these three men were being difficult about letting their fourth man go with them to win the race to win back Carter, and hopefully a deal regarding their technology. "What is your problem? We want to borrow that Stig of yours to do a little job for us, and we'll return him afterwards!"

"Well, what kind of job is it? Is it dangerous? Is there a chance of him getting wounded or dying? Will he be returned to us in one piece?" the short one asked.

"'Cause if it's that dangerous, we're sending a camera crew with him," the loud one added. "It'll make for great television."

Jack wondered if all British men were this insane. "Not going to happen. What part of 'top secret' did you not get?"

Next to him, Daniel decided to try another tactic. "Look, Stig. Is it okay if I call you Stig, or is 'the' your first name?" he asked.

The Stig stared impassively at him, arms folded over his chest.

"I'll, er, Stig it is then. You must be wondering why we asked you, and how we knew who you are," Daniel said.

The Stig continued to stare at him, giving no sign of having even heard the question.

Daniel shifted in his seat. "Okay, well, we asked you because we need the best driver on the planet to do this job for us."

"Well, obviously," the third man replied. Jack thought he was in dire need of a haircut, and if the man and his friends continued to be annoying, he would see to the haircut himself. "Why get the Stig if you *don't* want the best driver on Earth?"

Daniel was surprised he was interrupted like that, but tried to talk to the Stig some more. "Stig, we know who you are, and I don't just mean that you're the best driver on this planet. We *know* where you're from. Really from," Daniel said, hoping he had gotten the message across.

The Stig didn't react.

"Go on, tell us then," the short one said. "Where is our Stig from?"

"I'm afraid that's confidential," Jack told them. Again.

"Well, you've got to give us something in return for letting you borrow him," the short one insisted.

"We'll take a jet plane," the loud one said.

"No, Jeremy, we won't take a jet plane," the third one said. Jack wondered if he actually bothered combing his hair in the morning. Probably not.

"Fine!" the loud one sighed. Loudly. "Fine. Trust you to want to know more about the Stig than have a temporary jet plane."

Jack threw his hands in the air. "You know what? Fine. Daniel, tell them about the Stig." He smirked. "They probably won't believe you anyway."

Daniel looked surprised. "Jack? Are you sure? It's confidential after all." He looked to General Hammond for assistance.

The General just nodded. "Go ahead," he said, "if that's what they want in exchange for their Stig."

The three men all leaned forward, obviously interested in hearing more about the Stig's background. The only person who didn't shift was the Stig himself, but he already knew where he came from, so of course he wasn't curious. Jack wondered how the other three would take the news.

Daniel opened the file in front of him, the one General Hammond had given him the day before. "Well, it's a rather long story. The short story is that the Stig is an alien." He looked at the three men in front of him.

"And?" the short one eventually said. None of them seemed very surprised.

"You already knew?" Daniel asked.

"Well, no. But we did suspect he wasn't exactly a regular human," the short one replied.

"Just go on," the loud one said. "Where is he from? Did he bring a spaceship? If he did, we're keeping that. The Stig is ours, so his spaceship should be ours."

"Technically he belongs to the BBC, Jeremy," the other one said. "So his spaceship would be theirs as well."

The loud one, Jeremy, grumbled about that. "You just know they're going to use it in some shoddy sci-fi series like Blake's 7 and we'll never see it again."

"Blake's what?" the short asked, frowning.

"Blake's 7. With the Liberator and the Federation and the... come on, you've seen it!" The loud one gestured wildly, and Jack thought that he even gestured loudly, even though that was impossible.

The blank stares of the other two said it all.

"Can we get back to the point now?" Jack asked. He was fairly certain he was going to kill one of the British men opposite him. The question was which one.

Daniel had been watching the argument with obvious annoyance. "Let's. As I was saying, the Stig is an alien. As far as we could gather, he's from a planet called Gallifrey." He paused there, looking at the Stig for confirmation.

The Stig remained motionless, giving no sign that he had even been listening.

"Right, er, apparently this doesn't only make him a Gallifreyan, but also a Time Lord. Which means that he has something called a TARDIS, which is his spaceship," he explained, looking at the file for reference. He looked over at the Stig, who still hadn't reacted. It was getting a bit creepy.

"So, where is that spaceship of him then?" the loud one asked.

Jack just sighed. Trust a team of motoring journalists to be more interested in the spaceship than in the alien background of a co-presenter. "We've got it on the premise. If you play nice, we might let you look at it."

"It's in the carpark, actually," Daniel added.

The short one frowned at that. "Won't it look out of place there?"

"Not, er, really," Daniel said. "Depends on how you look at it."

***

Daniel had brought the other four men up with him, to the carpark. Teal'c, Jack and General Hammond had opted to stay in the SGC, no doubt happy to be away from them for a short while.

"It's a bloody Reliant Robin!" the loud one said, again. He kicked the tires. "I can't believe it. Stiggy, I thought you had taste."

Stig didn't react. He just looked at his Reliant Robin/TARDIS.

"Are you sure this is his spaceship?" James asked Daniel.

"Well, we can't get it to open, so we can't be entirely sure. But all signs point to it being a spaceship," Daniel said. It had been explained to him in great detail, but Daniel had been too surprised at it being a strange three-wheeled car as well, and hadn't paid much attention to the scientific explanation.

"I wonder how she rides," the short one said. "It must be tons better than a normal Robin."

"I should hope so," the loud one said. "Only a Porsche 911 could be worse than a Reliant Robin,"

The short one told the other to shut up, and in the ensuing argument Daniel turned to James. "Are they always like this?"

"Like what?"

"Arguing over every insignificant little detail and forgetting about the big picture?"

"Pretty much, yes."

Daniel nodded, and walked over to the Stig. "You probably know how to open it, right? It's just that our scientists have been breaking their brains and..." Before he could even finish his sentence, the Stig had already walked over the car, if it could be called a car, and opened the door, using a key. "Ah. A key. Of course."

Stig continued to ignore him, and got into the car. Daniel noticed that the short one and the loud one had noticed the Reliant Robin being opened – no, wait, he really should think of them as their actual names rather than simply descriptions. It was only polite. He was certain the other three thought of him as his name rather than as a simple description.

***

James watched as Jeremy and Richard continued to argue over the Porsche, the Reliant Robin and for some reason the Ford GT which had come up as well. He turned to the nervous man besides him. "I think Stig is happy to be reunited with his spaceship."

He smiled. "You think so? It's hard to say."

"No, he's happy. I've worked with him for a couple of years. I can tell," James said confidently.

"Good!" The nervous man scribbled something down in a notepad he brought along with him. "You know, I think I might be able to get the three of you to come with us to... to the race," he said. "I could say you're his interpreters. I don't get through to him at all."

James could tell how this frustrated the nervous man. "I'm sure Jeremy and Richard are up for that," he said, looking at his arguing friends. "Once they're done, anyway."

"I don't know how Jack and Teal'c will react though. Or General Hammond," The nervous man looked even more nervous.

***

In the end they had decided to leave the Stig to become re-accustomed with his spaceship to inform the others of Daniel's scheme.

As Daniel had predicted, they hadn't reacted well but had eventually okayed the deal. Even Jack had agreed that they needed someone who could interpret the Stig's non-communication.

So now the men were looking at the Stargate. "Are you telling me we're travelling through that?" the loud one asked. "It's a big metal ring."

"It's a big metal ring that will transport you to other planets," Jack informed, holding his gun in a not entirely unthreatening way.

"How does it do that?" the short one asked, obviously not believing him.

Jack nudged Daniel to do the explaining. Carter usually did it, and she wasn't here. Jack grit his teeth at that. Where the hell had she gotten off volunteering herself like that?

Daniel turned to the three British men. "Well, it works like this. The Stargate on this side disintegrates you. It breaks you apart into, er, very small pieces on a molecular level and when you get to the other side, the Stargate there puts you together." He smiled at them.

The three men were silent for a while. "Right. We're not going through that," Jeremy said.

"I don't know, Jeremy, they do it on a daily basis," James told him.

"Exactly. They're Americans, they're crazy. I am not risking being put together with one of Hammond's bits in me."

"I can't afford to lose any bits!" Richard said, sounding worried. "I like my bits!"

Jack rolled his eyes at that. "Look, do you want to come with us to the race or not?"

"Stig's not going through it," Richard argued.

"He's got his own spaceship! We gave him the coordinates, he'll take it there," Jack told them. "Now, are you three coming with us or not?"

The three men looked at each other. James shrugged, obviously not caring either way. Jeremy seemed to be the one making the decision. "We're going with the Stig. And we'll be there before you lot are."

"What?" Jack asked. Before they got there? That couldn't be done. The Stargate transported a person pretty much instantly. It didn't take more than a few seconds. "How?"

"Well, we have the Stig. All you guys have a big metal ring. Of course we'll be wherever this race is before you," Jeremy said confidently.

Jack looked at the other two, who seemed to have the same determination. "Are you sure?"

"'Course we're sure!" Richard said, happily. Jack supposed this was because the other man assumed none of his bits were in danger. "You want to make a bet out of it?"

Jack almost said yes, but looked at Teal'c and Daniel. They both had their disapproving faces on. Well, Daniel had, anyway. Teal'c just had his eyebrow raised. "Let's not. It's so annoying having to exchange your British pounds for dollars. Go on, join your Stig. We'll see you at the race." Jack waved the other three goodbye. He grinned to himself. They would have to go back to the carpark while he, Teal'c and Daniel could simply step into the Stargate and be on Notharia.

***

"I'm not entirely sure about this," James said as they walked over to the Reliant Robin. "It's a Reliant Robin."

"It's a spaceship," Richard said. "Driven by the Stig."

"Shut up, Hammond. You only wanted to ride with the Stig 'cause you were worried about your bits," Jeremy said.

"I still am, actually!" he replied. "Aren't you?"

Jeremy was slightly worried about his bits being driven around by the Stig in a spaceship, but he wasn't going to admit it. "Of course not."

The Stig was waiting by the car, and opened the door for them in a 'come in' gesture.

"There'll be no leg space at all!" Jeremy said, only now realising the full horrors of the vehicle.

"I'm in the front," Richard said quickly.

"Oh, great, so instead of just having no leg space, I will have no leg space *and* May on my lap in every sharp corner!" Jeremy said, as he got into the car.

"Stop moaning Jeremy, you decided that we'd take the bloody spaceship." James followed him into the car.

Richard wasn't looking forward to this trip at all. Jeremy was already complaining before it had even begun, and they would be travelling in one of the silliest cars ever made.

Or perhaps not. "It's, wow. It's a lot more spacious than I expected," he said, looking around in the huge room they were in now.

***

Jeremy decided to leave the console room after the Stig had been staring at him a lot. All right, so he had asked a lot of questions and had poked some things, but that was no reason to stare at him like that. "Hammond? May? Where are you?" They had said they were going to explore the ship, but they hadn't said where they'd be going.

"Jeremy?" Richard appeared in one of the doors and grinned. "I've found a room full of clothes! It's amazing what you can find in here!" And then he disappeared, and Jeremy would swear that he had been bouncing.

Well, that was one of the others located. Now where was May? "James? I know you're around somewhere!"

"I'm over here!" He heard James shout. He hoped this wasn't another wardrobe room.

"What've you found?" he asked, when he entered. "Hammond found a room filled with mirrors, that should keep him entertained."

"You know how you said it'd be nice to have another one-off special?" James asked, ignoring the Richard remark.

"Vaguely, yes," Jeremy said. He didn't remember saying that at all, but it sounded like a good idea. The Winter Olympics had been quite a success, even if he had worried that the world was going to end now that James had actually properly won something on Top Gear.

"There are cameras in this room. And some sound equipment." James picked one of the cameras up. "I think we make something very nice with all this."

***

"Welcome to Notharia!" Jack announced happily as he exited the wormhole. "The sky is clear, the sun is shining and... what the hell are you doing here?"

There was that weird three-wheeled car that had been on the SGC car park. The spaceship. The Stig's spaceship. And it was here. And what was even worse were the two smug men sitting on its bonnet. Well, one looked smug anyway. The Stig was still wearing his helmet, but Jack knew he was smug too.

"Took you long enough," Richard said, grinning.

"But... how? And where are the other two?" Jack asked, deciding there was time to go crazy later.

"Oh, they're off filming something," he replied, waving vaguely. "You know Jeremy, he saw strange vehicles and immediately made James the cameraman."

Daniel made a strange sound. "They can't film around here! This is an alien planet! They can't! It's top secret!"

"That means we can shoot them now, right?" Jack said nonchalantly, as he watched Daniel run off to find the duo. He turned to Teal'c. "Right?"

Teal'c stared at him impassively. "I do not believe that is wise, O'Neill."

Jack didn't really care about being wise. He cared about not revealing the secret of the Stargate to the world because of three annoying British journalists.

He tapped his gun, waiting for Daniel to return with the other two and glared at Richard and the Stig. Mostly at Richard, since he seemed easier to intimidate.

A little while later Daniel returned, James and Jeremy in tow. "I found 'em and managed to stop them from filming," he announced happily.

"Only because you turned the camera off," Jeremy said. "We're not done yet."

"How did you turn it off, anyway?" James asked, checking his camera. "This is what you get when there's no manual with it."

"Just press random buttons James, you'll work it out eventually, just like you did with the zoom," Jeremy turned to Jack and Teal'c. "I see you got here at last."

"How?" Jack asked. "You had to get all the way back to the car park! We just stepped through the Stargate!"

"We had the Stig," Jeremy simply said.

"And did we mention that it also travels in time?" James asked, putting the camera on the bonnet.

"It's a time machine?" Jack asked, incredulous. "We didn't know that! That's cheating!"

Richard shrugged. "We didn't know either."

"Perhaps it is wise to take the Stig to the racing officials," Teal'c said. "He will need to prepare."

"Good idea! While you do that, we'll film some more things. Come on Richard, we found this amazing... thing. We're not sure what it is, so you get to test it for us," Jeremy told the other man. "Let's get going."

Daniel made that strange sound again. "You can't do that!"

"Daniel, go with them and make sure that whatever they get on film is destroyed," Jack ordered. "Teal'c, we'll bring the Stig to the official."

***

Jack had hit a bit of a snag. He had brought Stig to the official, and the official had approved of their driver for the race. Now they had to enrol Stig into the race, which was where the snag had happened. "So, date of birth?"

The Stig stared at him.

"Come on, we need to put your date of birth on the form. Place of birth too. Look, can't you mime it? I'm very good at charades," Jack told him, getting increasingly desperate. "Teal'c, do you think making all that crap up would be bad?"

Teal'c stared at him.

"Not you as well!" he said. "Right, I'm going to find Daniel. He can handle the form and do what he wants, I'll go and shoot the camera." He thrust the form and pen into Teal'c's hands, and stomped off.

***

Daniel was getting rather annoyed with all this. They just wouldn't listen. Well, that wasn't true. They listened, and one or two of them might agree with him, and then they went ahead with it anyway. "Look, I really don't think that's safe." He didn't know what the thing was they had strapped Richard into, and he wasn't entirely sure he wanted to know.

"He'll be fine," Jeremy said confidently. "How does this thing start?"

Daniel looked around for someone who could help him. Teal'c and Jack had of course taken the Stig away, so he couldn't expect anything from them. Ah! An official looking person! Maybe he could attract their attention and get the three men thrown out. It had worked for SG-1. He started waving his arms at the person, and grinned when he was noticed. "Oh, I wonder how this machine works? I think I'll take a look at the engine!" he said loudly, hoping this would spur the person into action.

"You do that, maybe you can make some sense of this machine," Jeremy told him distractedly.

The person approached them and to Daniel's delight he seemed like a rather stern man. "Is there something I can help you gentlemen with?"

"Ah, yes. We were just wondering how this machine works, and what it does?" Jeremy asked, drawing the man in. "Maybe you could show us?"

Daniel watched as the conversation turned to the more technical side of things, with lots of talk of engines and other things he didn't care about. This was unbelievable. Why hadn't the man told the three of them to go away? SG-1 had been sent away rather sternly, and they had been doing the exact same thing: Looking at an engine whilst trying to figure it what it did. "Excuse me?"

"Yes?" the man asked, turning around.

"Aren't you wondering what they were doing with that machine?" he asked.

"Well, they wanted to know what it was, so I assume they tried to figure it out by examining it," the man said. The three men nodded vehemently.

"But that's what we did! We examined the engine and then we got thrown back to the Stargate, and we were suspected of espionage!" Daniel said loudly. Why weren't these three men dragged off for questioning like they had been?

"You were wearing a military uniform and weapons in our facility. You were behaving suspiciously by sneaking off to look at the machine." The man shrugged. "What else were we supposed to think?"

"They've got a camera!" Daniel was getting very frustrated now. Why couldn't the man just work with him?

"Yes, rather hard to miss," the man said, glancing at James and the camera.

"Why don't you think they're spies?" he asked.

"Well, for starters they're not military. They also don't carry weapons, and they're not behaving suspiciously. They're examining the machine where anyone can see them, with a camera clearly visible. Hardly the behaviour of Tau'ri spies, wouldn't you say?" the man said, having ticked off his points on his hand.

"Tau'ri? What's a Tau'ri?" Jeremy asked. "Is it an insult?"

"It's a sort of alien name for us, people from Earth," Daniel explained.

"Oh, right, you're an alien!" Richard exclaimed. "I almost forgot about that. You don't look very alien, actually."

"That's a rather long story," Daniel said, happy he could explain something to keep his sanity. "There's an alien race, called the Goa'uld, who kidnapped humans from Earth and brought them to other planets, as slaves. And some of these intergalactic colonies... and you don't care." He sighed as he watched the four men talk excitedly as they hunched over the engine of the machine.

He let himself fall on a nearby chair, hoping that this would all be over soon.

***

Jack found Daniel slumped in a chair, and he was clearly not happy. "Where are Dumb, Dumber and Dumbest?" he asked.

Daniel glared at him. "You know that man who dragged us into his office for questioning and then ordered us back through the Stargate?"

"What about him?" Jack asked, not liking where this was heading. "Did he come and take them into questioning?"

"No. He took them on a guided tour of the place."

"What?! He thought we might be spies, but they can tape whatever they like?" Jack sat down next to Daniel. "Why?"

"We looked suspicious, they don't," Daniel explained. "Besides, I think he likes them. They were talking about engines and motors and things like that before I brought their suspicious behaviour up."

"You were trying to get them taken into questioning? Daniel, how evil of you." Jack smiled. "I trained you well."

"I had to something! I figured, that if they were suspected of being spies they'd be banned from getting anything on camera, and that the camera would be taken." Daniel kicked at the leg of the chair. "That was my master plan. So why're you here?"

"Ah. Seems like we have to fill in some forms to get Stig officially in the race," Jack said.

"And?" Daniel asked, obviously not seeing what this had to do with him.

"He won't answer questions like 'when were you born', 'where were you born' and 'for crying out loud, do you even *have* ears underneath that helmet?'"

"Right. And you were hoping I could get him to answer them?"

"You are the linguist." Jack shrugged. "It's what we pay you for."

"True. Come on, let's go." Daniel stood up. "He's got to be easier to deal with than the other three, even if he won't talk."

***

"So you're saying that not only is this vehicle capable of nought to sixty in 3,2 seconds, it also handles amazingly well *and* it has a toaster installed in the dashboard?" Jeremy asked, looking at Nigel, the man who had been giving them an extensive tour of the place. They'd visited the cars that weren't going to be in the race, since the owners of the racing cars guarded their secrets viciously, but even the cars that weren't considered good enough to be in the race were still worth looking at.

"Yes. And there's a compartment for cutlery next to it," Nigel pointed out.

"But why? Why waste your battery on a toaster when... wait a minute." Richard paused when he saw Nigel's smug smile. "You're not using the battery, are you? You're using the heat generated by the engine. That's brilliant."

Nigel shrugged. "Well, the developers simply decided to make use of the heat. Anyone could've done it."

"Yes, but you actually went and did it. You installed a toaster in a car. I love it." Richard stared at the car. "I really do."

"I saw it first, Hammond, get your hands off it. Find your own toaster-car," Jeremy told him.

"Have you ever considered putting an oven in?" James asked. "Rather than a toaster?"

"Don't be stupid, James. You can't put an oven into it. It's too big." Richard looked at Nigel. "Right?"

Nigel smiled. "Right this way, gentlemen."

"You don't think they really put an oven in a car?" Richard asked, looking at the other two.

"They installed a toaster," James pointed out. "Why stop there?"

"Y'know, if they really did put an oven into a car, these guys clearly won't stop at anything. I may have to consider moving to this planet," Jeremy said. "Come on, let's go after him."

***

When Daniel and Jack met up with Teal'c and the Stig, they found that the form had already been filled in and given to the right official. "How did you that, T?" Jack asked.

Teal'c just smiled mysteriously.

"He probably asked the Stig to fill in the form himself," Daniel said. "So what do we do now?"

Jack grimaced. He had counted on this Stig trouble to take them a while. Now he had no choice. "We find our wayward trio. Teal'c, you stay with the Stig. Even if he goes to the bathroom. I don't want anyone else wandering off."

"They didn't just wander off, Jack, there was someone with them," Daniel said.

"Right. And where are they now then?" Daniel remained silent. "Exactly. Come on, we'll get them and lock them up inside Stig's car to keep them out of the way until the race is over."

Daniel followed Jack while Teal'c and the Stig walked away. He could've sworn the Stig had seemed annoyed at the suggestion of locking up his friends, but that would be silly. He couldn't tell how the Stig felt. It was probably his own reluctance. Yes, that must be it.

***

Jack and Daniel found the other three still talking to Nigel about the vehicles.

"Okay, let's record an introduction. James, close-up on me and then a sweep over the cars, got that?" Jeremy said. He didn't wait for an answer. "Right. Welcome to our first intergalactic special, which we're presenting from..." He looked at Nigel. "What did you say this planet was called again?"

"For crying out loud!" Jack hurried over and put his hand over the camera lens. "No recording, dammit! What did we tell you about recording all this?"

"You never really said anything, actually," James said.

"Yes we did! I told you couldn't, and then you did anyway!" Daniel told them. "And then I went with you and continued to tell you why you couldn't, but you ignored me."

"Well, that explains why we continued to film things. If we ignored you, we couldn't have heard you telling us to stop filming, so we continued. Obviously," Richard said.

Daniel felt a headache coming on. "Jack. If you're allowed to shoot them, please do."

"Sorry." And Jack really was. "They're not hostiles."

"They recorded alien technology, can't we consider that some sort of British spying action which is illegal in accordance with our contract with the British government?" Daniel asked. There had to be a loophole somewhere.

"Hmm. Maybe, but then we'd have to imprison them and hand them over to the British government," Jack explained.

"You can't do that!" Richard protested.

"Surely freedom of the press covers this sort of thing?" James asked. "It's got to be good for something."

"Daniel?" Jack looked at his friend. "Does freedom of the press cover this?"

Daniel had a sudden flash of inspiration. "Yes, it does. They are allowed to record things, but seeing as how this is a top-secret military operation, the US Air Force keeps full control over any recordings made."

Richard, James and Jeremy looked at each other. "Really?" James eventually asked.

"Oh yes," Daniel nodded, and nudged Jack who quickly nodded along. "It's very legit. Ask your government."

"We're on the other side of the galaxy, and somehow I doubt there's a British Embassy here," Jeremy said.

"You'll just have to trust us then." Daniel smiled in his most diplomatic trustworthy manner.

It didn't look like the other three bought the smile, but they had no choice but to go along with it.

***

It was only fifteen minutes before the race, and Daniel, Jack, Richard and James had found decent spots to watch it from the sides. They had been too late to get themselves seats, so now they were hanging over one of the many fences keeping the audience from the track. The Stig had decided that he only wanted Teal'c in his pit crew, and Jeremy had stayed to record the goings-on, saying that if James was too worried at possibly making the Stig angry, he'd bloody well record it himself. The other four thought that was either very stupid, or very brave and had then unanimously decided it was probably very stupid.

Jack was standing next to Daniel, using him as a buffer from the mad British men, but it wasn't really helping. They were discussing the vehicles they had seen, and Jack wished Daniel had come up with something that would make them hostiles so he could shoot them. Not to kill them, obviously. Maybe in the foot so they wouldn't be able to stand and be forced to remain in that weird car.

There was some temporary relief when Richard decided to find a bathroom, and there was a blissful silence. Of course, Jack knew that wouldn't last long, so he needed something that would keep Richard quiet when he returned. Maybe his friend knew something. "Hey, what do you do when you want him to shut up?" he asked. He was beyond using subtlety now.

James thought that over for a bit. "He's usually quiet when I flirt with him."

"You flirt with each other?" Daniel asked, astounded. "But... you're on television! Don't people notice? Don't the newspapers notice?"

He shrugged. "Probably, but it's obvious that I'm only mock-flirting with him to embarrass him. It's too much fun to watch him be stumped for a comeback."

Jack had thought it over and liked the idea. Maybe he should use it on Daniel too. "Does it work on the other guy as well?"

"Jeremy? I suppose you could try," James said with a slight smile.

Jack nodded. That was an evil smile, and told him enough. Still, now he knew how to shut one man up, even if that would be only temporary.

As Richard returned from the bathroom trip, Jack quickly called out to him. "Richard! Good you're back, why don't you come and stand here next to me? View's way better than over there."

When Richard didn't say anything and just stared at him, Jack knew the plan was going to work. He pulled Richard over. "See? Much better, isn't it?"

"Er, I suppose... Maybe I should go back to compare..." Richard said slowly.

Jack gripped Richard's shoulder firmly. "Oh, I don't think so. The race is about to start, and you wouldn't want to miss that, would you? I know how much you've been looking forward to it." And then he gave Richard a warm smile, which the other man answered with a nervous smile and no words at all. Looked like the flirting plan worked like a charm. He really had to try it on Daniel. The old 'Look, isn't that some sort of artefact?' trick to distract Daniel from one of his long explanations didn't really work anymore.

***

"Are you prepared to race, Stig?" Teal'c asked solemnly. "The fate of Major Carter depends on you winning."

"But no pressure, Stiggy," Jeremy said. It had been very strange, being here with not one but two men who didn't really talk. He really wished he hadn't sent James away, but he didn't quite trust those two military man alone with Richard. Unfortunately it did mean operating the camera himself, but it hadn't been too much of a problem.

The Stig just stared at him impassively.

"Right, you're going to be just fine," he said.

Teal'c bowed his head. "Stig, if you require any services, we stand ready to provide them."

The Stig stared at Teal'c for a bit, and then got into the vehicle to drive to his start position. Jeremy didn't like that the Stig had one of the worst possible positions, but there was nothing they could do about it, and he had tried. Still, it was the Stig. If anyone could win this race, he could.

***

Jack didn't really pay any attention to the commentator. Daniel had pointed out which vehicle belonged to the Stig, and that's all he really wanted to know. Besides, he was too busy making sure Richard kept quiet rather than babble excitedly about the Stig's progress. He could *see* the Stig was doing quite well by being eighth after three laps with seventeen laps to go. "You know, I have to say that I am quite happy the three of you came with us to this planet after all," Jack said.

"Why's that?" Richard asked, taking a break from his shouted conversation with James.

"Well, otherwise I never would've had the opportunity to get to know you better!" Jack smiled warmly again, and was rewarded with some confused spluttering. "I don't think I've ever met someone quite like you." Which was entirely true, but not in the way Richard seemed to interpret it. It also managed to shut up him for half a lap, Jack's current personal record. He wondered what it would take to shut him up for a full lap.

"I never knew how boring this was," Daniel said, leaning over to Jack. "Never."

Jack shrugged. "The rest of the audience seems to disagree."

"But it's so pointless! They don't actually go anywhere, and why twenty laps? Why not ten?" Daniel complained. "You can tell who's the winner after ten."

"Actually, you can't," James said, "because this type of race isn't just about speed, it's also about the skill of the driver and an endurance test for the car. The driver makes the car perform at its best for a long period of time, and..."

Jack ignored the rest of James' explanation, and smiled as Daniel pretended to pay attention, forced in the position of unwanted listener himself for a change. "So, Richard, do you have anyone special back on that beautiful island of yours?"

***

After the race, everybody was pleased with the outcome. Stig had won, which naturally pleased everybody. It ensured the freedom of Major Carter, which pleased the members of SG-1. It stopped Jack from flirting with Richard, which pleased Richard. It made sure the Notharians now allowed them to record pretty much anything they wanted, which pleased Jeremy, James and Richard.

"I think we should try to make some sort of recording deal," James said, taking a drink for their celebratory toast. "Try to come back for another recording. I don't think we've covered everything they have to offer."

"Hmm, could be tricky," Richard said, swallowing his drink with one big gulp. "What with them being aliens. Don't know how that will go down with our public."

"Our public will be too busy being amazed at their fantastic cars," Jeremy told them. "It'll be fine. Besides, it's not like they'd actually believe we're going to another planet."

"And we know about the Stig and his Reliant Robin now," Richard mused, grabbing another drink and downing it. "I'm sure he's up for another visit. I think he quite liked it here."

"To another visit," James said, clinking his glass with Jeremy's. "Richard, you can't toast with an empty glass."

"That's two glasses in under a minute, Hamster. What's going on?" Jeremy asked.

"I'm trying to forget about Jack," Richard said, grabbing James' drink and drinking that too.

Jeremy turned to James. "What happened?"

"Well, apparently Jack told Richard that he liked him. Also, he may have put his arm around Richard's shoulder," James explained, "possibly."

"That's it?"

"No! He was flirting with me!" Richard exclaimed. "He was."

"Of course he was, Richard," James told him, and gave Jeremy a meaningful glance.

"He told me he never met anyone quite like me before! That's blatant flirting!"

"That's just the truth, Richard. I never met anyone quite like you either. There's not a lot of men around who are *that* short and still allowed to drive a car without an aid," Jeremy told him.

***

"Sam? Sam!" Daniel ran over to his friend to hug her. "Are you okay? Did they treat you all right?"

"Daniel, it's great to see you," Sam grinned at Daniel. "All of you," she said, smiling at Teal'c and Jack.

"I am pleased to see you are fine, Major Carter," Teal'c said, smiling a little.

"What he said. So, did they treat you well?" Jack asked.

"Very well, sir," Sam said. "They answered all my questions about their technology and allowed me to experiment with some of their machines. It's amazing, sir. We've got to establish a more permanent relationship with them."

"You were their hostage," Jack stated. "Here against your will."

"Yes, sir."

"And you got play with their shiny toys anyway?"

"Yes, sir,"

"Sweet," he said, pleased Carter had had a better time than them. "Come on, let's go back to the SGC. I'm sure General Hammond will want to see you, Carter."

"Er, Jack. Speaking of Hammond... what about the others?" Daniel asked. "Shouldn't we take them with us back to Earth?"

"No. They got here without our help, they can go back to Earth without our help," Jack said. He didn't want to spend any more energy on those men. "By the way, Teal'c, did you steal the tape from the camera without them noticing?"

Teal'c patted a pocket on his vest, and gave a small smile. "He never noticed a thing, O'Neill."

"What others?" Sam asked, confused.

"Long story, Carter. Still, it's a long walk to the Stargate. Daniel, why don't you start at the beginning?"

"Well, it all started when the General gave us the contact information for the best driver on the planet," Daniel said. "And it all went downhill from there."

***

"I wonder where others are?" Jeremy asked.

"I don't want to know," Richard said sourly.

"Don't you want to know where your Colonel is?" James asked, and grinned.

Richard glared at his friend, while Jeremy looked around the room.

"I think they left," he said eventually.

"What? You mean they buggered off without telling us?" Richard asked. "They can't just do that."

"Are you upset because you got stood up?" James taunted.

"No! I'm upset because the only other people we know left the planet!" Richard replied.

"Well, we still have the Stig and his Reliant Robin," Jeremy said. "I'm sure we can use that to get back home."

The other nodded in relief.

"Where is the Stig, anyway?" James asked. "I haven't seen him for a while."

"Do you two remember where we parked, by the way? 'Cause I forgot," Richard said.

"Right," Jeremy said after a pause. "Guys, we may have a serious problem."


End file.
